Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Apocalypse is coming in the form... of pizza

There is one delicacy in the world that is more divine than any other foodstuff:



If I could eat this every day without worrying about a quadruple bypass, diabetes and constipation, I would. BUT the oracle that is Pizza Hut has given in to the fattys of the world and ruined their signature dish...


Listen up, (presumably) monocle wearing and cigar smoking fat cats at Pizza Hut, your new monstrosity of stuffed crust filled with cheese AND toppings is otherwise known as a CALZONE. Did you know that you also sell calzones? So now you're selling pizza topped with a calzone. This is almost as big of a disaster as KFC's Double Down. 

There's a reason this looks like a coffin...

Yet another victory for people rushing to that early grave. But most of all, Pizza Hut (or should I say Pathetic Hut? No, it's Pizza Hut) why are you trying to "improve" your finest creation? If I want a calzone, I WILL ORDER A GODDAMN CALZONE!!! *throws chair into wall*

I will go on a hunger strike * until the Hut restores their original masterpiece. I will be Gandhi. Only instead of striving for India's independence from Britain, I will be striving for cheese baked into a golden crust aka the American Dream. 

*this may or may not be true

Saturday, March 19, 2011


So I just found out that the interview I have on Monday is nothing more than door to door vacuum sales with no chance of earning a paycheck unless you sell a number of $2000 friggin' fancy ass POS vacuums.

Charlie, what do you have to say about this?

Wait, what?


You are no help.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Drunken Insight

I am extremely drunk BUT tonight I realized I am willing to sacrifice everything for the people I care about. I will freeze in the Artic wilderness so my friends will survive. And I am proud of that. I wish everyone felt that way.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Time for a sexy break!

It's 2 a.m. and I'm awake's pictures of my favourite hotties!

                           Adrien "sexiest man ever, despite the nose" Brody

                      Christian "failed anger management class " Bale

     Ryan "so thrilled you divorced that skanky Scarlett" Reynolds

                           John "starred in the best film ever, Con Air" Cusack 

                                             Jude "yes, I know it's a painting" Law

                        Joel "should have replaced Conan on Late Night" McHale

                         Chris "why aren't you naked in SVU too?" Meloni

                Edward "I make random stops at Boise coffee shops" Norton

                                       Conan "sexier with the beard" O'Brien

Oh and because I cannot get enough...

                                                                  WINNING. Damn.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Sheen-gasms takes over the interwebs...and it's winning

So today I successfully avoided that humiliating drive to go pick up my things and last paycheck from the staffing agency. But I guess I will have to do it sometime so not so winning, huh?

 The vision that haunts my dreams...
 Also, this...

Anywhos, many have probably noticed I have been obsessed with this whole Charlie Sheen going apeshit thing. Hey, don't judge. I have no job, no real reason to be excited about anything so I am Team Sheen.

                                                               Oh shit, wrong Sheen

 I finally watched the entire 20/20 interview he did. Wow. Total bi-winning. However, the best news of the CENTURY (yes, you read that right) is that now the nutcase/national hero has opened his own Twitter account. Praise the social media gods! And as you would expect, it's winning. His first post was rather mild, simply featuring a photo of himself and his whore (excuse me, I meant pornography actress) and their shared love of organic fruit drinks. However, being the winner that he is, Senor Sheen amped up the crazy by confirming what we all knew: That Babe Ruth was fueled by tiger blood.




Well, of course he was, Charlie, duh! C-Sheen proceeds to invite  legendary douche, P. Diddy (or Puff Daddy or Tinky Winky or whatever the hell he is called these days) over to his house for a party. Sean Combs and C-Sheen in one house? I think Armageddon is coming in the form of crazy rich a-holes.

 Joaquin 'Bye Good' Phoenix, C-Sheen, Douche Combs & 
Mel 'Sugar Tits' Gibson

The best parts of Sheen's tweets are his pictures. Only C-Sheen can post a picture of himself imitating the game pong with the Direct TV logo without seeming crazy. Oh, wait... BUT in case you think I'm the only loser out there jumping on the Team Sheen bandwagon, you are mistaken, fools, because Wrigley Field has upped the ante. I give you the Charlie Sheen Dog with Tiger Blood...

Only the 'Daily Deal'? This should be America's dietary staple.

Leave it to baseball to 'bring it'. What does the future have in store for Charlie Sheen and his mighty Twitter? Hopefully more Sheen inspired epicurean delights with the occasional dash of Emilio Estevez. 

Never forget...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

"I got magic and I've got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps." - Our Lord and Saviour, Charlie Sheen

I took a slight breather from my intensive Charlie Sheen Google searching (that man is insane and therefore, amazing) to research some internship websites that my adventurous, Russian speaking best friend sent me.

The common thread amongst (pinky up!) these interning abroad programs is the ungodly amount they want ME to pay them to basically work for nothing. I've done internships before and I never minded not being paid. BUT if I was unpaid PLUS had to pay upwards of $8,000 for a semester long program, I would pitch a 'Christian Bale on the set of T4' style bitchfit. I believe they called that indentured servitude back in the olden days. (Wait, is that what that term means? Note to self: learn things).

The best website she sent me is called Cool Works. This program gives you access to jobs in cool-as-shit places. Sadly, Nebraska and Kansas have no jobs posted. Thus, my exotic dreams of silos and cow dunged splattered pitchforks shall have to be put on hold. Again.